In the minds of most, women love nothing more than shopping and trawling malls. Right? Hell to the damn NO! In fact, I thank the God Lord everyday for the invention of online shopping. The thought of walking into a busy mall and browsing through endless aisles and clothing racks depresses me more than it excites me. That shit will test your patience and have your cussing like you didn’t pray that morning.
I’ve been asked many times by my friends and family about my obsession with online shopping. Listen when people go window shopping in the mall, I open my laptop and visit www.insertstorename.co.za and browse like I have money in the bank. When people talk about grocery shopping; I head to picknpay.co.za and buy my groceries in peace (yes I do actually visit the store on occasion). Food, clothes, appliances, toys, baby stuff…there is nothing I have not bought online. Trust.
What is it I have against malls…Let me break it down…
- SIZE: With a size 6 (sometimes 4) physique and a size 3 shoe finding clothes and shoes in my size is a mammoth task. Do you know how one’s heart can sink when you spot that shoe you’ve BEEN eyeing at 75% off (because we love sales HELLO) and there is no size or they’re out of stock? Online shopping does not sell me dreams.
- OVERCROWDING: I know by now to stay away from malls at the beginning, middle and end of the month because those are the busiest times. Since most have been paid malls are literally swarming with people. It’s incredibly frustrating to find yourself surrounded and bombarded by people, so much so that you can’t move. I know I’ve got a tiny frame but even I can’t move through certain spaces.
- KIDS: I’m a mother to a toddler so I know how great they can behave when in the right mood but I also know how problematic kids can be at the mall. When they’ve had it, they sing, they scream, they throw themselves on the ground and convulse like they have starring roles in The Exorcism of Emily Rose…Those little people can be cute one minute and make you want to ditch them in the elevator the next. Pop that kid in the trolley and let us get about our business. While it won’t stop them from screaming, at least they’re not tantruming on the floor in front of someone’s trolley. Stressful stuff yall!
- THE INCONSIDERATE: Let me not even talk about the folk who start conversation in the doorway because they’re invisible and you can obviously walk through them. What about the slow walkers who are walking at one step a minute?…all I hear at that moment is Ludacris’ “Move bitch, get out the way” and trust me sometimes I’m tempted to sing it out loud but I won’t because I’m not tryna be smacked in a mall full of people.
- SHOP ASSISTANTS: I’m not sure which is worse between the overzealous shop assistants and the unenthusiastic ones. The former will barely give you a chance to breathe in the store air before they’re asking if they can help you or if you’d be interested in some random product. Yes, I know you’re just doing your job but can I finish walking through the shop door before I’m pounced on? Then there are the unenthusiastic ones who roll their eyes when you ask for assistance or don’t know what you’re looking for. I couldn’t find refuse bags in a Pick ‘n Pay not to long ago and after asking for refuse bags, garbage bags and even black bags I was met with a blank stare until I said “Ausi, those black plastic things you throw rubbish in”. I won’t forget the one who didn’t know what a globe or light bulb were…I wasn’t sure if I should slit my wrists or hers.
Mostly I think I’m just one hell of a crazy person with minimal patience and lots of issues LOL. Maybe I’m just a snob. Either way you won’t find me suffering heart palpitations while squeezing through crowds and trying to manoeuvre my trolley around a slow moving family. The best part is I don’t have to experience the heartache that comes with “sorry, we don’t have your size”….